Friday, November 29, 2013

In Loving Memory of Justin and Krisandra

It has been a long time since I have written a blog.  I know what I have been wanting to write about, but I wasn't fully sure if I was ready to share.  I still have good days and bad days, but I like to think I have more good days, and brighter days to come ahead.  Maybe your reading my blog, slightly confused as to what I'm trying to get at.

A couple of months ago I lost two of my siblings on my birth's family side.  My brother Justin, who I was really close to passed away on August 30, 2013.  I can remember that day crystal clear.  It was a weird day all around, but now it sort of makes sense. 

It was Prep day at work and while it was a day off looking after the children, we were still working and spending the day cleaning, painting, organizing for the new year to start.  Originally I was so excited to work this day, since I had hoped to get to know my co-workers better and I love cleaning especially when it is not my own home.  But that morning I woke up, and I was feeling down, and when I got to work I still wasn't any better.  I didn't feel like talking to anyone, and I just wanted to focus on the tasks that I was given for the day. 

After work I went home, and Chad and I had plans to go out that night as a close friend of ours was having a good bye dinner since she was moving to Vancouver.  Even though I was sad she was moving, I didn't feel like going to the dinner or even getting dressed for the event.  I told Chad, I wanted to just stay home and watch TV.  But he insisted, so I got dressed and ready to go out for dinner.  We decided to take the bus, since it is such a pain parking downtown and we figured we would probably have a few drinks at dinner.

Once we were downtown and had met up with my friends, I started to feel a bit better and I was glad that Chad encouraged me to go out.  We had some good laughs, and took some pictures.  As dinner arrived we started eating, and again I just had a bad gut feeling but I didn't understand why as everything in my life seemed to be going great.  The only thing I could think of was how much I was going to miss my friend, but I knew it wasn't just that. 

While I was eating my dinner I got a Facebook message from my cousin.  I rarely hear from him, at first I thought it wasn't him or maybe his account was hacked but when I responded to him, he wrote back to me and that's when everything changed for the worst.  I was speechless, at first I thought he was joking, then I thought maybe he was talking about someone else, I just couldn't believe it.  I felt completely numb, like I was untouchable, the whole world stopped the same feeling I had when I first heard about my dad when he passed away. 

Chad and I left the restaurant right away as I obviously wasn't in the right state of mind to continue my meal with friends and I needed to be with family as soon as possible.  The cab ride home felt like forever, and at that point I felt extremely frustrated because I know we would've been home sooner if we had taken our own car. 

I still have days where I can't believe my baby brother is no longer here with us.  We talked about everything and anything that was on our minds.  I know we had drifted apart within the last year, and I know he had some struggles but I had no idea how bad it was and I figured he was just going through a rough patch like many of us do sometimes.  We would stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking about life, what we hoped for, what we wanted, and how much we loved and missed our dads. 

We always talked about what we would say if we could just see them again.  We had a lot of fun times together.  He was the baby brother that I had always wanted while growing up.  I love him so much, and still to this day I wished there was something more that I could have done, or paid more attention to.  But he was always so happy to see me, and would start joking around.  His laugh was extremely contagious.  I can still hear it to this day.  I hope I never lose that. 

Shortly after he passed away, a couple of people who were close to him said that he had thought so highly of me, and that I meant a lot to him.  Justin told them that I always said how I believed in him so much, and had a lot of life to live, and that he could do anything he wanted if he put his mind to it.  It was true, I really did say that, and thought that.

Justin was one of the wisest people I had ever met in my entire life.  He taught me so much, he made me realize that there is a lot more to just us, in this world and that there is life elsewhere in this world.  He was talking about Aliens, at first I thought he was joking but after watching hours of UFO Hunters with him, I decided to be more open-minded and he always said they live out there we just can't seem them, but we can believe in them.

At the Celebration of Life, my sister Krisandra came.  At first I wasn't sure if she was going to make it, as I am sure it wasn't going to be easy for her.  But I was glad that she came.  I went up to her, and gave her a hug.  When she was in the hospital earlier this year, I visited her often.  I saw her around the house, and drove her to work a few times but we never had the chance to become as close as I had hoped.  I will never forget what she said at the Celebration of Life. 

I found out about her passing 12 days after my brother Justin.  I was away, and I remember hearing the news and I went back and forth all night trying to decide if I should stay or go home.  Regardless, I didn't get much sleep.  The next day we were attending St. Albans in Virginia.  I had been looking forward to this event for several months and I was looking forward to see my friends. 

Even though I was away from home, all I could think about was my family at home.  I was distracted.  I was just thankful that I had Chad at the event with me, and seeing my friends did help as they had been my biggest support through everything I had just recently been through.  I had good days and bad days, just like I did at home.  But my friends were the ones who truly cheered me up  I had a chance to talk to one of my friends, he knew what I had been through and I had asked him if I was going to have brighter days again, and how do I get past the darkness.  He reassured me that times are tough, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

 Once we came home from our trip, I was still struggling with daily life.  I had isolated myself from everyone, some days I didn't even get out of bed, or even bother to eat or drink.  I know I didn't grow up with my brother or sister, but it still shattered my world.  I had always wanted younger siblings, and visioned I would grow up with them, have families, raise our children, go on with daily life and catch up with what I had missed. 

This whole process has been extremely painful, and I still have days where I just want to give up, throw in the towel because it seems like everyone who I become close to and put my whole heart into loving are always taken away from me.  My friends have been my biggest supporters, always willing to listen or hear my anger and frustrations of what I have been through and how I am going to move past this, I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.  Chad has also been there for me, he took some time off of work, just to stay by my side even on the good days, he still stayed home. 

I went to counseling a few times, and the lady I had was so helpful.  I loved how I could just talk without being in fear of being shut out, or telling me to get a grip, or telling me to just move on with my life.  Unfortunately some people haven't been so supportive and I did have to hear those words.  I clammed up completely, I started cutting, and didn't tell anyone not even my counselor, I didn't share anything for along time.  I was scared to, I once again isolated myself, those words hurt so much, I don't know how anyone could be so cruel.  That's like me saying that back at them, after losing loved ones.  I couldn't and wouldn't ever dream of saying such hurtful words.  All I can say is counseling has been my break through, and trying to find normalcy in life again, feeling happy with myself and life around me.

For the longest time, I kept thinking it was all just a bad dream and that they were still here with us.  I still have a hard time believing that I will no longer see them again except in my dreams.  I hate not being able to see Justin, or having hugs from Krisandra.  I miss them so much.  I can't wait to see them again, when my time comes. I always think of what they would want me to be doing.  Living life for them, and taking in every minute with my friends and family. 

They will always be remembered, and never too far from my mind.  I know they are watching all of their loved ones from above, and now our guardian angels.  Hoping we will continue to live our lives for them and that they are also walking along the path even though we can't see them.  They are there.  Love you Justin and Krisandra.  Rest in Peace and see you again my beautiful siblings! 

Through this experience I have once again realized how precious life is, and to love your friends and family.  Even if you don't always get along, tell them you love them any ways, listen to them, and be there for them.